Indie Silicon Valley start-up MyF8 is making waves with its debut app ‘Watch Me Die’, which has already seen 1.2 million downloads in its first week.

The app, which requires only a photograph of the user’s face, hands, and genitalia, anticipates the course of the user’s life and then displays a still image depicting their eventual death. While scientists have claimed that the limitations of modern technology and the essentially chaotic nature of the universe should render such software impossible, and logicians have successfully demonstrated that foreknowledge of one’s own death should reliably cause changes in decisions that would ultimately lead to different results, the app’s efficacy has already been proven by numerous fatalities.

Taranaki dairy farmer Jack Rawley, 52, attempted to confound the device in a bid to demonstrate its fallacious nature. He claimed that the app, which had shown him being crushed to death by a local corrugated-iron sculpture of Sonny Bill Williams, was clearly incorrect as “ole’ Sonny Bill is sturdy as can be.” He filmed himself demonstrating how robust and secure the sculpture was by attempting to pull it down with his tractor. His last recorded words were “oh hang on, I get it now.”

Religious groups have generally opposed the app, stating that it claims powers “only to be held by the Lord.” Surprisingly, placing a device loaded with the app upon a copy of the King James Bible has been shown to generate a photograph of a Middle Eastern man nailed to a crucifix. However, local Christian groups have denounced the image as a hoax, claiming the man in the picture looks “too Jew-y.”

The app is free to download on Google Play and the iTunes App Store, with a microtransaction-based business model. Users can buy in-game currency with which to purchase unlockable outfits, expressions, and backgrounds for their future deceased avatars. Depictions of exotic fantasy scenarios, such as receiving a phone call or enjoying financial security, can be unlocked for an additional fee.

However, founder Grant Rupert says that few users purchase these extras, and that the business derives most of its revenue from selling the details of its customers’ deaths to insurance companies and fantasy football leagues.

Apparently, this reporter dies alone in what looks like his mid-forties, fallen from a stepladder at a toboggan store, so Jeremy can take his opportunity of a lifetime unpaid internship and shove it down his throat, along with all the big sweaty cocks he chokes to death on.

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